The Importance of Patience

When dealing with explosive outbursts it is important to maintain your own emotional state.  The children that I am talking about who have seen abuse, have reactive attachment, or are emotionally unstable will test your patience.  These children feed off your emotional state.  They see it as opportunities to purposely mess up, or push your buttons.  They seem to do this when they are insecure.  When your angry they will be angry, when your out of control they will become out of control.  It is important to know when to be firm and when to take a break and come back when things have died down.  Ask yourself is this a lesson that can wait or is it something that must be resolved now.  You may have to place yourself in timeout until the situation becomes less explosive.  Find a safe place where you can go to be alone for a few minutes until you can maintain control.  Or put the child in a time out spot where he or she can come to grips with the situation.  I like a place with stuffed toys.  Someplace that the child can be a at peace with.  Prepair a place in your home, this can be a room with everything removed except for some plush toys and maybe a bed.  I also like to put signs with positive reinforcement sayings written on pieces of paper.

If your are religious it definitely helps to put some pictures of holy figures in the room.  Religious sayings from the bible can help, even a written prayer can help a child stay in control.  If you are not religious then think of some quotes that are important to you.  Maybe your slogan in life.  These are all good ideas to help your child calm down and defuse a potentially explosive situation. 

If you can help if try not to force your child to go in this room.  Don't try to lock him or her in the room unless he or she is a danger to themselves or others.  Be patient try to ask small simple directions.  If it doesn't work disengage and wait four to five minutes.  Then reengage with the same instruction.  You might even try when your disengaged trying to talk calmly to another person about something totally different.  This may not work if the child is trying to get attention or trying to mess up on purpose.  He or she may try harder or something else, but it does have a high degree of success.  It may help to draw their attention on something else.

Positive reinforcement is also effective if the meltdown is because of insecurity.  I find that saying something like "I like how your not crying now" or anything even if it is small.  This helps the child to believe that you are still on their side.  Don't forget to be firm, you may have to repeat the same lesson over many times before the child gets it.  Say similar things, be clear, and be specific about what happened.  Suggest to the child if simple language what a better thing to do would be to do.  Lastly make sure you set a clear consequence for the bad decision.

Patience is very important when dealing with children like this.  I had to teach my child that lying is not acceptable for four years, finally after years of frustrating lessons over and over again I am finally seeing some positive results.  These children like repetition they depend on it for their security.  These children will not change unless they see how it will benefit them.  This may take a while to accomplish.  Be consistent in your lessons, don't sacrifice your values.  If the lesson is important for them to learn keep up the same message with the same consequence when they make bad choices.

Because of the emotional drain that these children can bring to a family I highly recommend respite of one kind or another at least once a week to recharge your batteries.  It may also help your child's emotional state.  The above article will help to pick a good respite place.  You owe it to yourself.  What you are doing is not easy.  This is a necessary step to cope with the stress and emotional baggage.

Finding a theropist

This is one of the most important decisions that you can make if your child needs therapy.  I highly recommend getting therapy not only for your child but for the family.  This is a very personal decision and can make the difference in coping with troubled children.  The lessons learned in therapy not only help the child but can be beneficial for you to. 

I have gone through many different therapists and psychologist on the way.  When you pick the wrong one it can hurt because you have to forge that relationship again.  Remember the children that I am talking about don't form attachments very well so when you switch to another doctor or therapist it can be a longer process to get the help you need.

I recommend not going with a state run facility, not to discredit what they do, but many offer services that do not specialize in what you need.  Try to get a specialist for your child for example if you have a preteen make sure that the practitioner specializes in preteens.  Make sure they are board certified, and don't go to one simply because they are the cheapest option.  This is not an easy decision because many families have budgets but if you consider the time, money, and resources wasted by going to the wrong doctor or practitioner it will cost you down the road.

I also recommend having a full licenced psychologist to manage your child's medications and treatment options.  Do not go with a RN or general practitioner.  This way you can get the best treatment options for you child.  I would also suggest an in home therapist or counselor.  Many can help with the home family and is very convenient.  Whether you choose an in home counselor or another therapist do not make this decision lightly and going to a specialist in you child's disorder is very important.  It helps to ask around.  If you are on a social network ask your friends what therapists they know.  Again ask all the important questions like are they fully certified or are they interns?  How long have they been in a particular field?  One thing to make clear is the relationship needs to be with you making the decisions and not them.  If they suggest a particular treatment option make sure they just suggest and not pressure you with "you have to" or "you have no choice" or even "let us make the decision here".  The practitioners job is to advise you of the options and not pressure you into making a decision that you are not comfortable with. 

Here are some on line resources that I find helpful on this topic.

http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/finding-a-good-therapist

http://mental-health.families.com/blog/finding-a-good-therapist

Here are some resouces on line to help with Reactive Attachment Disorder

This one has some great on line resources

http://www.radkid.org/

Here is one from the Mayo clinc.  This one give symptoms and treatment options.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/reactive-attachment-disorder/DS00988

Here are some resources on line to help with ADHD

I like this page because there are three additional resources that it will give you.

http://www.adhd.com/

An Introduction to Myself

I have fostered several children and have adopted a special needs child.  We are grateful for this experience, however like most special needs children we have had several challenges.  These include extreme anger, extreme aggression to authority, violently acting out, and other things that we have experienced.  We love children and hope that this blog could be a resource to finding help for your troubled child.  I will list different resources for respite and different tactics that seem to work for us.  I do not make any claim to be an expert and in many ways still finding new ways to cope with the challenges that we have experienced.  My hope is that we can share experiences that will help us all.

One of the hardest challenge that we have experienced is the lack of resources to help in respite services.  Now although there are respite services in the community there are not many in our area that help with the needs that we face.  Some include the Boys and Girls clubs and others that are controlled be private donations and the community.  you can also find some controlled by the state.  Many respite services are free and offer to a variety of age groups.  Some of them will be willing to take your child for up to eight hours and others will take them for several days.  I recommend to inspect the respit site ask questions Are you insured, are you licenced and ask to see documentation on these things.  Do background checks such as ask neighbors what complaints they have filed? Is it a quite place and not overcrowded? What discipline will they use? Many respit services will show you paper work on these things.

Here is a list of possible respit services.

The Boys and Girls Club, This is a great place and it is fun for children they often include off site activities and have plenty of staff on hand in case anything goes wrong.  These places usually will have an low membership fee.

The Utah Youth Village,  This is a good place for longer term respit.  There is usually a cost for this service.  With this option the families are matched with other foster families in the community. 

The Family Support Center,  This is a great resource and there are many in each community.  Check your local Center for the hours of operation and age ranges.  This resource is usually free but again check on the details.

These places are in the Salt Lake City area but others can be found by asking your therapist.  Many communities do not post the respit services because they are not for profit.  You may need to do some digging to find one near you.

Respite is essential to families, not only does it maintain sanity for everyone but it will also give the children something constructive to do.

I will post the next posting on finding a good therapist.  As always please feel free to post any comments.