When dealing with explosive outbursts it is important to maintain your own emotional state. The children that I am talking about who have seen abuse, have reactive attachment, or are emotionally unstable will test your patience. These children feed off your emotional state. They see it as opportunities to purposely mess up, or push your buttons. They seem to do this when they are insecure. When your angry they will be angry, when your out of control they will become out of control. It is important to know when to be firm and when to take a break and come back when things have died down. Ask yourself is this a lesson that can wait or is it something that must be resolved now. You may have to place yourself in timeout until the situation becomes less explosive. Find a safe place where you can go to be alone for a few minutes until you can maintain control. Or put the child in a time out spot where he or she can come to grips with the situation. I like a place with stuffed toys. Someplace that the child can be a at peace with. Prepair a place in your home, this can be a room with everything removed except for some plush toys and maybe a bed. I also like to put signs with positive reinforcement sayings written on pieces of paper.
If your are religious it definitely helps to put some pictures of holy figures in the room. Religious sayings from the bible can help, even a written prayer can help a child stay in control. If you are not religious then think of some quotes that are important to you. Maybe your slogan in life. These are all good ideas to help your child calm down and defuse a potentially explosive situation.
If you can help if try not to force your child to go in this room. Don't try to lock him or her in the room unless he or she is a danger to themselves or others. Be patient try to ask small simple directions. If it doesn't work disengage and wait four to five minutes. Then reengage with the same instruction. You might even try when your disengaged trying to talk calmly to another person about something totally different. This may not work if the child is trying to get attention or trying to mess up on purpose. He or she may try harder or something else, but it does have a high degree of success. It may help to draw their attention on something else.
Positive reinforcement is also effective if the meltdown is because of insecurity. I find that saying something like "I like how your not crying now" or anything even if it is small. This helps the child to believe that you are still on their side. Don't forget to be firm, you may have to repeat the same lesson over many times before the child gets it. Say similar things, be clear, and be specific about what happened. Suggest to the child if simple language what a better thing to do would be to do. Lastly make sure you set a clear consequence for the bad decision.
Patience is very important when dealing with children like this. I had to teach my child that lying is not acceptable for four years, finally after years of frustrating lessons over and over again I am finally seeing some positive results. These children like repetition they depend on it for their security. These children will not change unless they see how it will benefit them. This may take a while to accomplish. Be consistent in your lessons, don't sacrifice your values. If the lesson is important for them to learn keep up the same message with the same consequence when they make bad choices.
Because of the emotional drain that these children can bring to a family I highly recommend respite of one kind or another at least once a week to recharge your batteries. It may also help your child's emotional state. The above article will help to pick a good respite place. You owe it to yourself. What you are doing is not easy. This is a necessary step to cope with the stress and emotional baggage.
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